the blossoms remind me

let's run

2012-01-30T12:10:00.003-08:00

It's Monday morning,
bright yellow.
Squeals and
one more underdog.
She learns to pump for herself.
It's a warm day in January
here in the Midwest,
and my hands look like my mom's,
dry and veiny but I like them.
My daughter's hands look chubby and new.

Let's hold them and run for the car.
I'll race you.
She kicks it into high gear,
hilarious.
Our cheeks are pink,
we eat raisins in the car.

purpose

2012-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for Micah to get back with our daughter. He took her around town for errands and she kept calling it a date as they walked out the door.
This is a day in her life. She may not remember it, he may not remember it, but it happened. He loves her. He delights in her, and she knows it.
I called him and I heard her laughing in the background.
Whatever happens before we're born, and whatever happens after we die, in between those two times, she received Micah as her father here on earth. That will never not be true.
He and I may go through change after change, valleys and peaks of a life together, but that man was born to be a daddy, and I get to watch him. One of the greatest gifts of my life.

let's run

2012-01-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

Two!

2012-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

And this is the year we gave in and bought a battery-operated toy. How could we not? This Ha-hum (vacuum) is like a third child. Everett hugs and kisses it before naptime and bedtime and this morning he asked Micah if it had a wee-wee. Obviously this is no mere toy in Everett's mind.

In action.

Hug.

A shared birthday party for the rest of eternity. (micah's on the 2nd, Ev's on the 3rd.)

Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh.

Happy birthday, to my man and my little man!

Such evil, such Love

2012-01-02T10:07:00.001-08:00

At the moment I am listening to Simone sing her new treasured baby doll to sleep. Made up words to the familiar tune, Away in a Manger. Everett is asleep. For the next foreseen hour I can do whatever I want after a busy morning of shopping for the boys' birthday dinner and other things which help the household operate.

But my mind is weighed down. I could hardly go to sleep last night after watching a t.v. show about cocaine. Following real people around who are addicted to crack cocaine. And how a jungle valley in Peru grows and makes 50% of the world's cocaine. The production of cocaine, since it uses various toxic chemicals, has ravaged 10 million acres of forest in the valley. Not to mention the runoff seeping into neighboring villages and towns.

The three people they followed, documenting a week or so in their lives, were not even human beings. They were skeletons, ghosts, who at one point used to be people, but now are shadows of those people - stealing cell phones out of people's hands and making a run for it - prostituting, not going any lower than $30 to do God knows what - just so they can go home and smoke crack. Then having to smoke weed because the high from the crack was too intense. They all said they couldn't believe that this is what became of their lives, spending all day to make a buck so they could buy cocaine, then do the same thing the next day and the next. But they had no intention of stopping the cycle even while they recognized the insanity.

A couple weeks ago I read an article that took me so off guard I was weeping by the end of it. I don't even want to give the hyperlink to it because it is so appalling. In short, it was about a man who was caught recently in Kirkwood, MO, a suburb of St. Louis, torturing a mentally handicapped young woman. It had been going on for 5 yrs before he was caught. He wasn't the only one doing it, either. The details described in the article still make my stomach turn.

And there are things in my own life, on my own scale of distance from God, that scare me. I am inpatient with my kids, I am unforgiving. I see the tension even in my kids. What path will they choose today? To stay close to me and Micah? To choose life and peace? Or turn their backs and let their dark sides take over. They might not see it as a conscious choice, they are so young. But as an adult who is hyper aware of such things, I know that some days I just take the easy way out. And usually end up paying for it.

A human being's capacity for evil is alarmingly huge. It knocks me over. It paralyzes me.

But our capacity for love and beauty is just as big. Right? Listen to your favorite song. That is an amazing, transcendent moment in which it is hard to believe anything like addiction or torture exists. Watch your kids sleep. Watch the sun rise. Laugh with your family. Walk downstairs and hold a warm mug of coffee in your hands. And on a bigger scale, people devote their entire lives to helping and loving people who suffer. How can such Beauty stand side by side with such despair and godlessness. What would those three people who are addicted to crack be like if they had been given the same opportunities I was given? What if I had been offered their same opportunities?

God weaves His Spirit in and out of the fibers of this world, through the molecules and cells of every person, longing for them. Grieving for them, cushioning them in ways they can't see, but would notice if He wasn't, shining on them such Bright Light and Warmth if only they would look up.

We are all so connected, a billion parts of the whole. If I look at "hopeless," or "lost" people and see myself (because really I could be just one bad decision or bad parent or bad neighborhood or bad friend away from being right in their shoes), surely God looks at them and takes it a step further. He sees who they were meant to be. He sees who they are going to be when we are all drawn up together in the infinite Love of God, brothers, sisters, children of the Father. He has the great privilege of forgiving and loving the wayfarer and scooping him into the Everlasting Arms. Hallelujah.

For the Time Being, W.H. Auden

2011-12-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

The third section of W. H. Auden's ‘Christmas Oratorio,’ For the Time Being, written 1941-42:

III

Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree,

Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes –

Some have got broken — and carrying them up to the attic.

The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,

And the children got ready for school. There are enough

Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week –

Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,

Stayed up so late, attempted — quite unsuccessfully –

To love all of our relatives, and in general

Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again

As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed

To do more than entertain it as an agreeable

Possibility, once again we have sent Him away,

Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,

The promising child who cannot keep His word for long.

The Christmas Feast is already a fading memory,

And already the mind begins to be vaguely aware

Of an unpleasant whiff of apprehension at the thought

Of Lent and Good Friday which cannot, after all, now

Be very far off. But, for the time being, here we all are,

Back in the moderate Aristotelian city

Of darning and the Eight-Fifteen, where Euclid’s geometry

And Newton’s mechanics would account for our experience,

And the kitchen table exists because I scrub it.

It seems to have shrunk during the holidays. The streets

Are much narrower than we remembered; we had forgotten

The office was as depressing as this. To those who have seen

The Child, however dimly, however incredulously,

The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.

For the innocent children who whispered so excitedly

Outside the locked door where they knew the presents to be

Grew up when it opened. Now, recollecting that moment

We can repress the joy, but the guilt remains conscious;

Remembering the stable where for once in our lives

Everything became a You and nothing was an It.

And craving the sensation but ignoring the cause,

We look round for something, no matter what, to inhibit

Our self-reflection, and the obvious thing for that purpose

Would be some great suffering. So, once we have met the Son,

We are tempted ever after to pray to the Father;

“Lead us into temptation and evil for our sake.”

They will come, all right, don’t worry; probably in a form

That we do not expect, and certainly with a force

More dreadful than we can imagine. In the meantime

There are bills to be paid, machines to keep in repair,

Irregular verbs to learn, the Time Being to redeem

From insignificance. The happy morning is over,

The night of agony still to come; the time is noon:

When the Spirit must practice his scales of rejoicing

Without even a hostile audience, and the Soul endure

A silence that is neither for nor against her faith

That God’s Will will be done, That, in spite of her prayers,

God will cheat no one, not even the world of its triumph.

Christmas

2011-12-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a little bit of our Christmas in Arkansas. The destination homeland of my beautiful parents and their home on the lake. I sure do love this place.

Start the morning with the Christmas story in Grandpa's lap.

Stop and play with first present.

Simone's new doll, Amy. The two are now inseparable.

"Toos!"

We swam everyday we were there!

And I will leave you with this 88 yr old, 88 lb. ball of feist:

Perfect Love

2011-12-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

Never let yourselves fear anybody or anything. No fear of my failing you. No fear that your faith will fail you. No fear of poverty or loneliness. No fear of not knowing the way. No fear of others. No fear of their misunderstanding.

But, my children, this absolute casting out of fear is the result of a Perfect Love, a Perfect Love of me and my father. Speak to me about everything. Listen to me at all times. Feel my tender nearness, substituting at once some thought of me for the fear.

The powers of evil watch you as a besieging force would watch a guarded city - the object always to find some weak spot, attack that, and so gain an entrance. So evil lurks around you, and seeks to surprise you in some fear.

The fear may have been but a small one, but it affords evil a weak spot of attack and entrance, and then in come rushing despondency, doubt of me, , and so many other sins. Pray, my beloved children, for that Perfect Love of me that indeed casts out all fear.

- from God Calling, December 19th.

A Christmas Quote from Buechner

2011-12-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

"The Gospel writers are not really interested primarily in the facts of the birth but in the significance, the meaning for them of that birth just as the people who love us are not really interested primarily in the facts of our births but in what it meant to them when we were born and how for them the world was never the same again, how their whole lives were charged with new significance."

My husband is gorgeous

2011-12-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

We watched a movie last night with Ryan Gosling in it, and the whole time I kept thinking, "My husband is seriously better looking than a famous movie star."

He doesn't even know it, or else he definitely wouldn't be with me!

Suckas!!

gaze

2011-12-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

Confused.
Dark.
Sad.
Mean.
Selfish.
Lost.
Cut off.

It's all so true. But so is your Bright Light.

Let it shine. Let us absorb it. Bring clarity and compassion.

Let everyone who longs for you, which I think is everyone, feel you looking at them.

Four? Four.

2011-11-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

(Updated: pictures. Thanks Marion!!)

**

First french braid!

"Facts are all the eye can see, eyes cannot see truth"

2011-11-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

"Our eyes are just our eyes and not all we have for seeing, maybe not even the best we have for seeing. Facts are all the eye can see, eyes cannot see truth. It's not with the eyes of the head that we see truths like that, but with the eyes of the heart. To see Jesus with the heart is to know, in the long run, that his life is the only life worth living." - Frederick Buechner

can't even tell you how many times this has happened to me.

2011-11-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

Tea Party

2011-11-22T18:24:00.000-08:00

Melissa Elliott is a woman who bikes for 60 miles, paints houses for free out of kindness, isn't afraid of two big loose dogs running towards her...that kind of woman. And she also puts on a tea party, gets dressed in a silky shirt, high heels, and her wedding hat. And I'm pretty sure it was all for Simone, too. Simone adores her and gives her about 20 hugs a day (but won't speak to her yet).

She had Simone come over early to prepare for this little party - they made cucumber sandwiches, skewered fruit onto toothpicks, set out cookies, and she even let Simone attach ribbons and bows to an old hat with a hot glue gun. Simone was in (silent) hog heaven :-)

Micah's dad took Everett for a couple hours during the tea - very wise thinking on his part. it would not have been fun chasing Everett around their gigantic house for 2 hours. He took him to the History Museum!

***

I'm posting this on Thanksgiving. There is so much to be thankful for. Thank you God for all the blessings of this life. I really like it.

yin and yang

2011-11-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Just some quick thoughts while the offspring sleep. At the same time, woop woop!

Today we went to storytime at Barnes and Noble for the first time. Whenever we are in an unfamiliar social setting, it is fascinating to observe the reactions of both children.

Simone stays close and wants to sit in my lap, extremely interested in the actual point of the gathering: to listen to the books being read.

Everett is near us for maybe 5 seconds, then he is wandering around, checking out the place and the people, finding pretty new hair to play with, leaning on another mother's shoulder, walking up to the storyteller to sit next to her.

I love both of them and I love who they are - each so different and interesting. I don't know why Simone is so reserved and self-conscious. I don't know why Everett loves the world and everyone in it. Especially since he was born during the most tumultuous time in our lives, and Simone was born during a very stable time in our lives.

I learn a lot from both of them. Simone is always thinking and asking. She spends a lot of time in her head. She said to me yesterday that she wants there to be a day that doesn't have a name. She's tired of every day being Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc, and she wants there to be a special day in between all the other ones that doesn't have a name. She was also almost in tears this summer when I told her she could probably never taste a cloud. "But they look so GOOD!! I want to ride up there on one and eat it! Please, Mama!? How can I do that?!" She has asked multiple times the meaning of life, basically. She'll say, "Why am I here, Mama? How did I get here? Why am I in life? One good thing about life is that we get Everett, so that's good, because he's so cute."

She's a thinker. And my prayer for her is that she'll still have a joyful spirit. She does now because she's a little girl, but can an introspective person be truly joyful?

I actually wanted to write about Everett, because what he is showing me, and I think it is a fundamental truth of life and living on this earth its' diversity, is that there are no strangers. We are all so connected and intertwined. God is in all of us - He is our ineffable connection. Brother, sister, you, me, God.

Have you ever heard of Thomas Merton's epiphany on the corner of 4th and Walnut where he "suddenly realized that I love all people and that none of them were, or could be, totally alien to me. As if waking from a dream - the dream of separateness."

Watching Everett is a lot like that. He is scared of almost no one. He loves almost everyone, and treats them all equally.

He amuses himself all day long. He'll say a combination of words that he knows, "Ha-hum (vacuum), poop, keys," and then burst into laughter, as if the simple existence of those things and the fact that he can say them is reason enough to be glad.

He's a mixed bag though, because he also wakes up shrieking at 5 am and hits anyone and everyone when he dang well pleases. He doesn't care who you are. See? He is a very non-discriminating person.

Awesomeness recently found on Pinterest

2011-11-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

Whew!

2011-11-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

I finished Everett's quilt last night at 10:30pm. This behemoth took 5 months to finish. I love it so much it feels like my 3rd child! And like a child, it has caused me to cry in frustration and laugh out of sheer pride and giddyness of it's beauty! I've even thrown it on the ground a couple of times, but I've never done that to either of my kids. Though I've felt like it, ha! Just kidding! Not really. But seriously.

I ran it through the wash just now and it didn't shred to pieces. Thank you Jesus.

Dang, chew on this one.

2011-11-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

There is a tradition in the early church, however, that [Judas'] suicide was based not on despair but on hope. If God was just, then he knew there was no question where he would be heading as soon as he had breathed his last. Furthermore, if God was also merciful, he knew there was no question either that in a last-ditch effort to save the souls of the damned as God's son, Jesus would be down there too. Thus the way Judas figured it, Hell might be the last chance he'd have of making it to Heaven, so to get there as soon as possible, he tied the rope around his neck and kicked away the stool. Who knows?

In any case, it's a scene to conjure with. Once again they met in the shadows, the two old friends, both of them a little worse for wear after all that happened, only this time it was Jesus who was the one to give the kiss, and this time it wasn't the kiss of death that was given.
- Frederick Buechner

joy of Presence

2011-10-31T11:22:00.000-07:00

What is the secret to a life of great joy?

How do you find joy in simply being here?

Today I keep saying to myself that I want to move to France. When I start thinking about escape that is the point in time when I need to stop, 5 minutes, close a door. Find that Secret Place. Relinquish expectations and control.

Sometimes I choose to stay mentally miserable. Give in to thoughts. That's fun for like a minute.

God, restore that deep and awesome connection we all have to you. Make me more aware of it. Make it unignorable. Because deep inside we all long for your presence. It's not hard. Help me find it - oh there it is...thank you.

pumkins, Melissa, smoothies, Quinlin

2011-10-30T05:38:00.000-07:00

We offered to watch Melissa's daughter's dog, Quinlin, for the night. The kids were enthralled.

And last but not least, the Cardinals won the World Series. I woke up with my skin all sparkly the next morning. It's really cool living in the city now, everywhere you go, someone is talking about it.

"They run for the car like leaves blowing"

2011-10-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

"I pick the children up at the bottom of the mountain where the orange bus lets them off in the wind. They run for the car like leaves blowing. Not for keeps, to be sure, but at least for the time being, the world has given them back again, and whatever the world chooses to do later on, it can never so much as lay a hand on the having-beenness of this time. The past is inviolate. We are none of us safe, but everything that has happened is safe. In all the vast and empty reaches of the universe it can never be otherwise than that when the orange bus stopped with its red lights blinking, these two children were on it. Their noses were running. One of them dropped a sweater. I drove them home." -- Frederick Buechner

two good things

2011-10-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

This right here is one of the many reasons I love the Cardinals. They have character. I can't decide between a Molina jersey or a Berkman jersey. They're both SO GOOD!! Man, the decisions I face.

And this movie looks like one I might go to the theatre for.

"reach out and take it"

2011-10-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

"Grace is something you can never get but only be given. The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you. I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.” -- Frederick Buechner

Well, Hello Game 5

2011-10-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, humor me for a second. The Cardinals were back 10 1/2 games about a month ago. They came back out of nowhere and beat the Braves out of their Wild Card standing (Btw, that's the biggest comeback in the history of baseball). They go on to the NLDS to play the team with the best record in all of baseball, the Phillies, everyone assuming the Phillies will sweep the Cards in 3 games because the Wild Card never really goes anywhere. Well listen, the Cards won 2, the Phillis won 2, and last night, (ahh, getting goosebumps) the tie-breaking game...whoever wins goes on to the NLCS. This is what happens - Carpenter pitches a complete game shut out! Which means they never had to dip into their bullpen, and Carpenter never let the Phillies score a run. In fact, they only got 3 hits on him. Final score 1-0.

Now tell me baseball isn't exciting.

AHHHHHMAZING. And the best part, we got to share it with Lauren and Donny and the kids, and Micah made his famous hot wings.

Look at that. Bottom of the 2nd and the scoreboard looked like this until the bottom of the 9th.

Ready for bed.

Or for messin around :-)

Final product.

Satisfactory!

So sweet. Simone loves her Nini.

Best Friday night ever.

"the dark...would scarcely fill a cup"

2011-10-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

"The world is full of dark shadows, to be sure both the world without and the world within ... But praise and trust him too for the knowledge that what's lost is nothing to what's found, and that all the dark there ever was, set next to light, would scarcely fill a cup." --Frederick Buechner

Funny Simone Talk

2011-10-03T07:12:00.001-07:00

Micah: Should I get a blanket for Maya? (playing dolls w/ her)
Simone: Oh my goodness. She's wearing so soft P.J.'s. I mean literally, so soft.

After falling in a hole in the ground she said, "Wow! Good thing that wasn't a cave!"

A dream she had: There was a light that was bigger than everything! And there was a king, and he put his hand out to all the kids and we started doing tricks!

Everett was crying early in the morning, then suddenly he stopped so we didn't go in to see what was the matter. About an hour later we went in because there was some talking, and Simone had climbed into Everett's bed to comfort him when he cried out the first time. She said, "He was scared so I just rubbed his back and said 'God is with you, Everett."

"Mom, bugs are gross, but I really want to be a bug." (noticing my confused expression) "It DOES make sense, ok?"

She was pretending that her doll Maya was a newborn and her eyes were getting used to the brightness of the world. She told me this is what Maya was saying, "Ahhh! What's the deal?! That yellow thing way up in the sky!" And Simone's answer to Maya, "All it is is the sun, get used to it."

Blessed Silence

2011-09-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

It became obvious to me why God doesn't talk. He meets us when we are silent, because he is silent. He is the Silent One.

Micah asked what the matter was and I didn't honestly know until I was alone with some space and then it was obvious. My heart opened and I knew.

He doesn't make His voice obvious, because maybe He doesn't have one, maybe He is all Breath and Presence.

We can't hear him, but he is Attentive and Bright and Real and waiting to be recognized.

I love You so much. You are beautiful in so many ways.

September Things

2011-09-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Hanging out, kinda bored, waiting for the life of the party (Simone).

Making apple juice

Bored again, waiting for Simone to wake up.

Chillin after jumping on the beds for about an hour with Maya.

A gymnastics morning.

Micah and I decided to go up in the arch with a 3 and 1 yr old. Why? I don't know. But here are my boys, looking handsome, walking towards it.

Dang Micah. You shouldn't be poor with looks like those.

Everett's face looks like he knows what's coming.

The most ominous picture of the arch ever?

Not scary at all, actually.

For a foggy day, we could see quite a bit.

Coy smile.

Mesmerized by car keys.

Golden Delicioso! We went apple picking.

These girls love each other so much.

Micah and his brother Noah, throwing rotten apples at the trees. They threw more than they picked.

Lilley. Monkey.

What should I do with this apple?

This seems right.

Listening to what Django has to say...

Taking it all in...

Apparently it was a disconcerting conversation.

***

Thanks September! You were good to us.

"Whenever you find tears in your eyes"

2011-09-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

"You never know what may cause them. The sight of the Atlantic Ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you've never seen before. A pair of somebody's old shoes can do it. ... You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next." -- Frederick Buechner

Stress Responses

2011-09-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

When Simone or Everett would start being ridiculous and insane I would unconsciously gravitate toward the pantry and scarf down a handful of chocolate chips. It's a stress response. The kids throw tantrums, won't eat their lunches, hit each other, or what -have -you, within seconds I'm stuffing my face with chocolate. I'm happy again. Ok, who ate whose grapes then spit them out?

I've shifted my stress-response to browsing Etsy.com. I'm serious, when the kids start acting nuts, I actually feel an uncontrollable urge to run up the steps and boot up the computer.

I am constantly amazed at people's eye for beauty, their ingenuity, their discipline. Etsy has made me really like people. People are awesome.

Here are some recent discoveries.

I'm probably infringing on some copyrighted material here. These pictures aren't mine!! (In case I get taken to court in the future)

Things that make me feel like it's all gonna be ok:

2011-09-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

my Starbucks gift card still has $6 on it.

yellow and orange leaves that are stuck in my windshield wipers.

Micah stopping by for a lunch break.

the Cardinals are 2.5 games back from taking the wild card from the Braves.

personal breakthroughs, which means marital breakthroughs.

daily surrender to God is getting easier, and I'm getting happier.

Micah and I have big Harry Potter plans when baseball season is over.

80 cent Greek Yogurt at Aldi's.

I don't have the urge to sob as frequently as I used to.

My grandma's voice on voicemail.

In my soul, a vague hope is stirring.

Words

2011-09-14T13:30:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start doing a Frederick Buechner quote post once a week. I think he's got something figured out and his words always move me.

So, the first one is this.

"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

The Buster is Back

2011-09-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ev's been a shadow of himself this week. Fever and diarrhea and snot for a week.

Today, the old Buster James is back.

Happy New Year to Me

2011-09-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I had done a birthday blog before I gashed my thumb open at dinner tonight. Too hard to type. Expect fragments, not complete sentences. I also had a mind-blowing idea about mind-blowing things that I won't be able to share with you until my gash heals. Sorry peeps. Life is hard.

In a nutshell, Micah rocked the house by letting me sleep in, work on my quilt, take a jog, and surprising me with Cardinals tickets. They are my current obsession. I am seriously in love with baseball. It's not boring, guys! Talk to me, I'll tell you about it.

Beauty.

W/ best friend.

Took Metro Link downtown and back. Got on wrong train going back and walked through gang meetings for sure. I know that's what they call them. Gang meetings.

9/11 Memorial on Art Hill. (for record, b-day on 9/10, not 9/11, but b-day now forever associated with 9/11...)

Simone in accidental patriotic dress.

Lounging after b-day dinner at Micah's mom and dad's house. 18 lb lasagna, homemade shortbread cookies, homemade ganache. Oh yeah.

26 started out superbly.

Except for my mangled thumb.

The two of them

2011-09-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am ceaselessly grateful for how these kids seem to actually love each other.

Their "songbooks."

Reading to him.

About to leave for gymnastics. The first time she went to gymnastics, she was so brave and marched right into class without skipping a beat. She was hugely out of her comfort zone though, being as shy as she is around strangers. When she saw Everett after class, she hugged him so tight and told him she missed him. The relief on her face just to see him was sweet - his existence was a comfort to her.

Fooling around.

He looks like he tolerates her, but he is just as in love with her. He wants to do everything she does, and he kisses her 20 times a day.

I hope the day never comes where simply being in the same vicinity of one another is annoying. I'll just show them pictures like these and say, "See! You used to really like each other!" Then they will shift their annoyance at me, and I can handle that :-)

Reunited!

2011-09-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

It was beyond wonderful to have my family visit this weekend. Just to set eyes on them! But we also did some fun things, too. I'm a horrible photographer, so here's a limited and amateur gallery of one or two things we did. (the only picture I got of my dad is on Micah's phone, and he's at work so that's not gonna happen... but it was sweet - Simone fell asleep betwixt my mom and dad. So safe, so happy.)

healing touch

whoa grandma's crazy! but fun!

Michael, Amber, and Micah walking downtown.

Love these people. We were planning on going up to the top of the arch, but we got there 8 minutes too late to catch the last tram to the top. It was still fun walking around, though. See that weird loch ness monster type thing shining behind them? That's the arch. Thanks, camera phone.

It was so sad when they left - the house felt empty and quiet after all the people and food and fun - and Simone cried for nearly 20 minutes pleading for them to come back.

Thank God for phones and email and skype and all this newfangled technology that keeps far away people close.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

little girl

little boy

sacrifice of praise

2011-08-29T16:27:00.001-07:00

Ever faithful One, thank you for the cool breakfast outside this morning. Thank you for the promise of changing seasons. Thank you for the last summer fruits in our fridge: a mango and a box of peaches left on our doorstep by the Elliott's. Thank you that when I'm discouraged I hear your voice, a friendly voice. Thank you that when I'm upset, if I turn toward your face, I am sheepish and comforted. I hear you say, 'Did you think I left for a minute? Did you think I wasn't aware?' Like a deer who pants for water, my soul pants for you. I love you. I see you everywhere. You are what I need. Amen.

Lello!

2011-08-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Here's Simone in her "sneaky hiding place." Actually, she has quite a few sneaky hiding places in the Elliott's backyard. One day she found a path that wound around to the front yard and ended up on a little side patio with a fountain. It's pretty cool living behind a mansion.

She told me to take a picture of the gross stuff on her stick. But mostly I'm taking a picture of her. Ha! Now who's being sneaky!

Do you hear sound on this video? I couldn't when I uploaded it. Still thought I'd post it because he's charming in a real live motion.

Here's Everett thinking he's hilarious with his mittens. And of course, the fifth member of our family, the vacuum.

I'll Fly Away

2011-08-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Some bright morning when this life is o'er
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away.

Chorus:
I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away.

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I’ll fly
I'll fly away.

Chorus:
I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away.

Oh, how glad and happy when we meet
I’ll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I’ll fly away.

Chorus:
I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away.

Chorus:
I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away.

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away.

Chorus:
I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away.

When I die Hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away...

Recap in pictures for anyone who cares, but mostly for my mom and dad!

2011-08-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

This past week I think I was suffering from salmonella. What else would explain diarrhea for 5 days and no one else in the family getting sick? I'm also the only one who ate raw cookie dough...quite a bit of it. Even so, we fit a lot in and Micah was great and kind and took the kids on little adventures here and there. Behold:

Peaches!

One morning I had the energy to get the kids out the door at 7:50 in order to get to the zoo by 8 (the kid zoo is free from 8-9am, so is the carousel.) Does anyone actually know how to spell carousel? The first time I typed it, spell check didn't even come close to even knowing what I was getting at. Carasoul. Carasel. Whatev.

Ev wasn't so keen. Simone however, wanted to go again and again. Kind of surprising, considering their personalities.

Petting zoo. Or "here are some goats...wanna pet them?"

The only mom letting her kids get soaking wet at 8am on a cloudy day. One mother walked by and said to her daughter, "No sweetheart, I didn't bring any dry clothes for you to change into, I'm sure that mommy did..." Um, no. I didn't. And my kids cried the whole way back to the car because they were freezing. I'm a pretty awesome mom, I know.

Reading tub at the library. Maybe Simone's favorite spot in all of St. Louis.

Micah took the kids to this place with giant turtles and snakes to climb around on with his dad. Kind of weird and random, but why not? It's really cool. It looks out over the highway.

Seriously. I'm never complaining again about anything. Look at these people.

Yes.

2011-08-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

Darkness is not dark to you

2011-08-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

The Elliott's have Direct TV at the carriage house. It hasn't been much of a temptation because I don't have any time to watch tv, but this morning when Micah took the kids peach picking (giving me some recovery time from being sick) I thought, "Well, I could make bread, vacuum and mop the floors, fold the laundry, and put away the dishes, but then I wouldn't be recovering....I think I have no other choice but to watch tv."

It was a bad idea. I watched 5 mins of a program about a bear mauling and killing people in Anchorage, and the rangers and authorities think she's just mean - they can't figure out why she would be attacking people.

Then I watched a Nostradamus show on the History channel about the galactic superwave theory and how the world is basically going to end in 2012. And if it doesn't end then, it's the beginning of the end and we should be really worried about it. And if that doesn't freak you out, then check out the Bee Deaths Theory.

The whole thing just got me thinking that life is completely arbitrary. We're all blindly pursuing our own lonely, little, selfish goals. The earth is indifferent, the cosmos are indifferent, and apparently bears are hostile.

Then Micah sent me this text:

And did it fill me with hope and warm fuzzies? Uh, no. It reminded me that I brought people into the world and it made me terrified for their future.

I don't let myself get on this train too often. I don't like where it takes me. It takes me to a place of fear and doubt. I begin to sense the struggle of loving life and being terrified of life. Mostly I love it, but it doesn't take much to find terror in it.

I love Simone and Everett so intensely, so fiercely, that I would probably die for them or kill for them. It's scary how much a mother loves her children. The things she would do to protect them.

So when I get roped in to these specials on the History channel, and spend too long researching them on the internet, and formulate an escape plan, I'm basically saying that I'm the one who needs to be protecting myself and my family. I need to think so far into the future that if these predictions come true, I need to be prepared.

Ok, for one thing, the whole idea of predictions is very anti-Jesus. He told us that tomorrow can worry about itself. He gave his people manna in the desert - just enough for that day.

And for another thing, the astounding intensity which which a mother loves her children only comes to us because God loves his children with that kind of love. Pretty sure he'll do anything to protect us, too. (Although, I'm also pretty sure the human idea of protection is different than God's idea.)

So even if we're wandering around in a post-apocalyptic world, searching for food and shelter and trying to stay alive at the most basic levels, God will be there with us, helping us, blessing us, comforting our souls.

Honestly, it's hard to reconcile fearful thoughts of the future to what God's plan for the world is. It does seem like things will get worse before they get better. But I'm at a place where I'm ok with that. That I trust God (pretty much) with what he tells me to trust him with. And also, I'm gonna stick to watching Angelina Ballerina with Simone.

"Darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day;
darkness and light to you are both alike.
Search me out, O God, and know my heart;
try me and know my restless thoughts."

sampling

2011-08-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

The swing in the back yard where we've spent most mornings

Back of the Elliott's house, directly out our front door. Nice apple-eating stoop.

These little lumps are delightful and love each other.

This morning we went to the arch with Lauren and Lilley and Django.

We didn't go up, but it's actually pretty impressive just being next to it.

We ended the morning in the heart of downtown at City Gardens. Spurts of water coming up out of the ground, little foot deep pools, and crazy sculptures everywhere. No pictures were taken as I was busy keeping my children alive. But goodness, it's a pretty cool city!

In your hands we rest, ready and content this day.

2011-08-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

What is it to be stable? It seems to me that it may be described in the following terms: You will find stability at the moment when you discover that God is everywhere, that you do not need to seek Him elsewhere, that He is here, and if you do not find Him here it is useless to go and search for Him elsewhere because it is not Him that is absent from us, it is we who are absent from Him. - Anthony Bloom

In your hands we rest
In the cup of whose hands sailed an ark
Rudderless, without mast.
In your hands we rest
Who was to make of the aimless wandering of the Ark
A new beginning for the world.
In your hands we rest
Ready and content this day.

Stability: It is here and now, in this place with these people, that God will meet me and guide me.
Conversion: I open myself willingly to the new opportunity, ready to repent with humble confidence in God.
Obedience: Listening obediently.

In your hands we rest
Ready and content this day

Saint to the Louis, (it's like hecks to the yeah, which I say too much as it is, so I thought 'why not try to be even nerdier?')

2011-08-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

Things I Already Love:

Whole Foods (I kept saying, I'm in heaven!)

Trader Joe's

University City Public Library (the childrens' librarian gave me a hug and showed me around. and there's a bathtub in the middle of the section with cushions in it. In about 3 seconds Simone had set herself up with a pile of books and was happy for half an hour.)

The huge clock tower castle thing that we look at every time we go anywhere. Feels like we're in Switzerland until we turn right.

The upstairs of the carriage house smells like the cabins at the camp I went to as a kid.

Quaint is the closest word to what he carriage house is, but it's quaint and then also beyond my wildest dreams because it's free. I'm actually crying right now.

The huge, tall trees everywhere.

The huge, old, brick buildings everywhere.

The different cultures. (in a Schnuck's grocery store, we were the only white people we saw for the 15 mins. we were in there.)

So there's my list after 3 1/2 days of being here.

An emotion list might look slightly different.

Leaning, Leaning

2011-07-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

O how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
O how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

I know, seriously.

2011-07-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

Crucial Revelation (and lots of exclamation points!)

2011-07-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

Micah is in St. Louis this weekend for a couple pragmatic details concerning the move.

The space here has been sweet. It's funny how life lines up just the way you need it to, sometimes. Leading up to his trip things were tense and confusing. I had been thinking that all I needed in order to get my head straight again was a few days by myself. Perfect timing! What I need when things get...eh!... is about 2 or 3 days alone (alone is relative...the kids are still here) I must've gotten used to it, being the wife of an emergency worker, and now I need it. At least I know that now.

It's only been 24 hrs, and already I can see things more clearly.

I have been ashamed at how I've handled myself through a lot of these recent trials. Why do I have to be the angry and exasperated and doubtful wife?

The helplessness I feel is infuriating!

What exactly am I made of when (insert cruelty here) is my reaction and not love? ICK! I have spent a lot of my time in self-loathing. Wonderful place to be, let me tell you.

So when Micah left yesterday and I had the evening to myself, I knew I had some work to do.

A couple weeks ago I decided I was going to memorize Psalm 139. Not sure why that one, except that I believe God led me to it.

When I read the first line, "O God, you have searched me out, and you know me," I sobbed. He "is acquainted with all my ways" and "perceives my thoughts from afar."

There is a longing in the human heart simply to be known!

He knows where my mind and heart have gone, have been, have wallowed. And he knows the guilt and shame I've been carrying.

God is not cool with that.

It must have been gradual, but it hit me suddenly. There are no qualifications or reservations with God's love. The confidence and freedom that comes when you realize that you are loved and accepted! And the only thing you have to do is accept that you are accepted! How life-changing to know that before we even respond to God, he loved us! And he accepts and loves us before we have done anything to earn it! I am a crappy wife and sporadic friend and impatient mother, but God doesn't love me any more or any less based on my success in life! And that right there makes me long to be a good wife, friend, and mother. Exclamation point!

And imagine if we could love our people that way. "You kind of suck right now, but I love you just because I do." There is something in you worth loving, and at the same time, needing no reason.

And if we could live with the knowledge that Christ loves and accepts us deeply and fundamentally, we would be so much less anxious, self-absorbed, overly-sensitive, afraid, defensive. To live in a way that *"no praise excites us, and no criticism crushes us." Just to be so fixed on Christ and so tuned in that we know who we really are and nothing else matters.

It is exhilarating. It is beyond words. It is about the only thing in life that I know for sure, and the only proof I have is that I feel it, so there.

17 Days

2011-07-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

Until we move our life to St. Louis.

There are people waiting there for us with open arms.

There are people here who are wondering what they'll do on rainy Wednesday mornings without two grandchildren to read books to and take on nature walks.

And there are two people who recognize the weight of a decision made.

God bless us, everyone.

***

Hiking trail on Beaver Lake with Grandma in the Rain.

This one seems symbolic of something. A light behind Simone. A light in front of Everett and my mom. A clear direction of where to go. Simone running carefree, about to head into the pouring rain. I don't know. Something.

"For what I want to do I do not do..."

2011-07-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

After a day of depression, which is abnormal for me, I realized that aside from all of the external circumstances that are not even in the realm of my control, aside from moving to another city and having a husband I don't understand, and children who flip out when bedtime is mentioned, and people I love going through flame after flame, and the incalculable grief that all of those things can muster up in my tired being, what I realized is that I really like to write. It's how I figure out what I'm thinking. It's a powerful way God has used to show me things. It feels right.

In first grade I remember getting an award for a story I wrote about cats falling out of the sky and me picking all of them up and hiding them in our garage.

It's kind of the only thing I've been consistently praised for my entire life.

I don't make time for writing, which in a way is me not making time for God.

Micah has realized recently that his neglect of choice is playing guitar. It connects him to God in a powerful way, it slows his heart rate down, it renews his creative brain.

Why do we fall behind on disciplines we know restore us? Why is it easier to pick out a movie on Netflix Instant Viewer?

I don't want a lazy soul. I don't want to waste this life watching movies.

I can hear Micah playing his guitar outside right now as I write this. That's kinda cool.

Here's to finding what restores you and then doing it.

A rare thing

2011-06-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

My brother Michael and his wife Amber came home from overseas. First they were in Germany, then they were teaching English in South Korea. It was the first time I had seen Amber in 2 1/2 years. So much had happened in that time, and we all had become different people in a lot of ways, but the crazy/beautiful thing about family is that you can pick up right where you left off. I think I laughed more in the last week than I had all year. (Did not mean to reference a Kirsten Dunst movie. It just fit though.)

*these pics are from a couple weeks ago, but they are boat related so why not throw these in, too.

Anyway, it was a week of talking and laughing and question asking and answering. Late night Euchre and Shanghi-Rumi. Swimming and eating junk food. Early mornings on the patio with coffee. Sampling of Korean food and culture. It was a much needed respite from the seriousness of life.

Now back to life, back to reality. (ah, I can't stop making cheesy references!)

Missy

2011-06-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

A stray cat has been sleeping undeneath our cars lately. Cats aren't just Simone's favorite animal, they are pretty much her favorite thing. She says the sweetest stuff to this cat. "Do you love me, because I love you!" "Mama, can I pick her up? I just think she is so pretty!" And then lots and lots of squealing and flitting around.

Micah named her Missy.

reason to hope

2011-06-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

"...there is nothing you can want, there is nothing you can ask for,

there is nothing you can need in time or in eternity,

there is nothing living, nothing dying,

there is nothing in this world, nothing in the next world,

there is nothing now, nothing at the resurrection-morning

nothing in heaven

which is not contained in this text -

I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."

Charles Spurgeon

the place God calls you to

2011-06-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

We've been talking about gifts, talents, sense of calling around this house a lot. Something we hear at St. Paul's quite frequently is this Frederick Buechner quote: "The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

It's a beautiful and simple idea, but there is responsibility in that. The responsibility to know yourself enough to know what makes you glad, and I am learning that it is a hard task to learn about yourself. Painful and horrifying and eventually good.

Lowell says that finding and using your spiritual gift is primitive because we were made to do it. Like eating, sex, running. We experience union with God. There is some primitive joy it awakens within - being who we were created to be.

I had a dream a couple nights ago. It must have been the end of the world or something, because all people, all 6 or 7 billion of us, whatever we're up to now, were gathered together, and God was giving a ceremony of sorts. It was like a cross between a ceremony and a dinner party. He was introducing everyone. And even though there were billions of people, I felt no sense of time, like man, this is gonna take forever, and each person he introduced, we gave our full attention to, and we were blown away by the stunning-ness of each person. It was like we were seeing each other at our truest and best. No earth bands blocking the view of our souls. I can't explain it - each person was absolutely exquisite, breath-taking. It was addicting, I couldn't wait to see the next person.

It would be nice to always see people this way, and I feel like since this dream I can at least have the imagination to. And it also cemented my firm belief that people aren't ever going to be truly themselves without the Spirit of God with them, in them, transforming them into something beautiful and holy. Gently guiding them into Christ-likeness. And since Christ is eternal and in everything he created, each person represents a different part of that "mysterium tremendum."

God is the fullness of truth, beauty and goodness. He is those things perfectly. In finding our spiritual gift, maybe we are tapping into that. That makes me want to jump up and down!

May we all have the bravery to know ourselves deeply enough to find that calling, to hear our true names, to tread the terrifying Mystery and yet know that is the safest place.

2011-05-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

Holy One. God of Peace and Guidance. As it turns out, my trust flies here and there with the wind. I'm fluttering, faltering, failing. I have offered every living moment of my life to your care, but I am still a human. I am just a girl. Cure my fear, my anger, my grief, my impatience. When I am alert, when I am patient, You come to me. You are the great love of my life. Free my heart of the poison within it.

2011-05-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

2011-05-15T20:10:00.001-07:00

Hahahahahaha!!!!

2011-05-15T19:41:00.001-07:00

That's all I could do when I actually pulled off surprising Micah. This is a man who notices when my makeup bag is out of place, so you can imagine how sneaky I had to be. The whole thing was satisfying for a ton of reasons, some of which aren't totally pure!

It was perfect, basically. Just a few moments of panic and white-lying, which I'm surprisingly horrible at (Micah found the kids' overnight bag and asked what it was, and I said, "It's the kids' overnight bag" and why he didn't keep asking I'll never know).

Jeremy took him to the driving range so Kim and I could run some errands, but most importantly put up the amazing sign I made him which Simone did not help me with, even though it looks like a 3 yr old cut the letters out, and when they pulled up he still had no idea because everyone parked sporadically on the street. A dozen bodies hid out in the kitchen and when he walked in we all screamed a smattering of happy words at him.

Waiting for them to get home...

I love this picture. This is the quintessential Holly/Crystal picture. She's always telling me something ridiculous or alarming or awful or unbelievable, and here she's telling me about killing a black widow spider and then finding its' nest and squashing all the little red babies with her pointer finger.

I'm posting this because there was more beer left in the fridge than there were lying empty in the sink. Just how alcohol should be used: to loosen up a bit, but stopping before anyone acts dumb. Thanks, everyone! For not getting drunk and for making Micah feel super special!

A truly random picture post. Still hate the word random, but what can I do!

2011-05-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

I never post enough pictures of my mom. She saved my life this year, doing this exact kind of thing. I could spend my whole life saying thank you to her and I still wouldn't have gotten it all out. I love you so, Mom.

For some reason, Micah set up his tent. It's been a big hit with the neighborhood kids. This morning I came home from church and found two kids waiting for us and they said, "I see you guys have a tent...." I didn't make them ask. I just told them they could go inside.

And Caleb is the one in the picture. Simone wants to hug him ALL THE TIME, and that's usually what he looks like when she does.

I watched Liam and River one morning while Dorothy was in Chicago for 4 days!

The kids had a blast, the mom trailed behind the kids and controlled the damage.

Simone handed this to me and said, "This is our family but I'm eating the donut." In pictures she draws she doesn't have to share with anyone! Brilliant! She says that Everett is at the top left (eating a muffin), and she is on the bottom left, eating her donut (with sprinkles). I'm guessing Micah and I were an afterthought due to the lack of detail in comparison.

Looking rather grown up with a crayon in his hand the correct way.

There's life this past week besides the surprise party, which gets it's own post. Fascinating I know, but I kinda had the grandparents in mind this time!

*update*
Simone's prayer at dinner time:

Simone: Can I pray tonight?

Me: Sure.

Simone: (closes eyes) Dear God. (opens eyes) By the way, I have a lot to say, so… (closes eyes) Help daddy to sleep all night. (opens them) Edit, I like holding your hand, I just wanna be your sister forever. (closes them) And tell Jesus to go into Edit’s heart because he’s fussy all the time. And let the earth be strong. Amen!

Nina Simone - I'll tell you what freedom is to me. No fear.

2011-05-14T11:29:00.001-07:00

Micah's Paramedic Graduation

2011-05-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well I don't really know what to say, people. He did it. We're still married and nobody died.

And Washington County somehow gets the privilege of Micah P. Gray working for them as a paramedic. All I'm saying is if you live here, find out if Micah is on duty. If he is not, try to postpone your emergency until his next shift. Then, find out what station he is at, and call from a nearby gas station so that his crew will come help you.

Dr. G, The Man, Jamin

The Man and his fam w/o their little monster.

Co-valedictorians? P-shaw!

The Man, Central's chief Becky, and Guzman

Boo yah.

Proof.

Not only is he the smartest and handsomest, he is also the only blond-head which makes it seem like there is always Divine Light shining on him from the heavens.

I've never been this proud of someone. It's a cool feeling.

Love as it was made to be

2011-04-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Micah and I have been married 5 1/2 years, and we still don't love each other all that well. Maybe I should speak for myself here, but we've been so brutally honest lately I don't think he'd mind me saying that.

This morning Simone's trike got stuck in the wet grass and she couldn't get it going up the hill in our backyard. She looked to us, both sipping coffee on the patio, and said, "Can somebody help me!" I was in my p.j.'s and bra-less, so I wanted Micah to go help her. He had socks on and didn't want to take them off because the ground was still wet and muddy from all the rain. I said, "You don't want to get your feet dirty? Are you serious?" So I ran out there and pushed her up the incline, and when Micah was in earshot I said that he was "girlie."

I know there are way worse things to be called, but still. How insulting. And later he told me it wasn't about getting his feet dirty, it's that his feet still have no feeling in them and it is rather painful to walk in cold grass.

There are, sadly, many more examples in our daily life together of disrespect and insults. Of us not acting out of love, but selfishness, silly expectations, exhaustion, frustration.

Where's the grace and forgiveness? Where's the understanding and acceptance?

Dorothy is trying to de-clutter her house in anticipation of moving (don't ask me about it, I might cry) and she invited me to pick out one of her tea pots that she doesn't want to take with her. I picked out a dainty little flowered one - you make the tea in the top part, then detach it and pour it into the mug, the bottom part. I've always wanted a tea pot like it.

It sits on the counter right next to the sink, and I see it every time I'm peeling carrots or scraping pans. It makes me think of Dorothy, such a dear friend, but also, on the top, there is the Love verse from 1 Corinthians. It is shaming as well as inspiring.

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"Love always protects" is the one that feels like a sucker punch.

Not only is Micah my husband, beloved husband and father of my children, he is also a human being with innate dignity and worth. He is my brother in Christ. God is our Father. Am I protecting that identity when I call him girlie, when I roll my eyes at this or that, when I go for that tender spot that only I know about?

It grieves me to even continue.

I think I've gotten into a horrible, human way of thinking about marriage. What has he done for me lately? What can I get out of this arrangement? What are things that he has going for him that will help me out?

These questions will not foster love. They will foster disappointment and judgment.

I haven't been consciously thinking these things, I'm not that sinister. But it suddenly dawned on me that God doesn't love qualities in people, he doesn't love their strengths. He just loves them. Entirely.

That's a protective love. That's a love that can get you through paramedic school and nervous breakdowns and infuriating children and long-held grudges. It's a shield around the beloved. Because when we are self-consumed and difficult and stressed and impossible for anyone to like, He loves us even when there is nothing about us to love.

Perhaps in marriage there is opportunity for this kind of love. But in marriage we are dealing with humans, therein lies a fundamental problem.

Next Sunday I am getting confirmed by the bishop, confirming my baptismal vows. I don't know why, but every time I've told someone about this, I can't not mention how excited I am about it. It's not like I'm expecting the clouds to part and doves to flutter down or anything, but I think something deep within me knows it's a big deal. In a way, I'll be returning to my baptismal waters, the waters of new birth. I feel that need so acutely right now - to be washed and cleansed, to breathe the breath of the Holy Spirit, to be made whole again.

Yes, we are human and ridiculous, but He will have His way. I think we are finally just broken enough to be made new again. Together.

He has risen just as he said

2011-04-27T07:29:00.001-07:00

Easter was more meaningful than ever this year. I think it's my favorite holiday now. I dragged the kids to the nursery every day I could during holy week (might be why they are both sick now, but no regrets); Micah even came straight from work to sit with me when he could.

Again, I find myself in want of words to express the utter luminous excitement I feel in my bones about His resurrection, especially in light of participating in the Episcopal way of things. I was born to be an episcopalian, everything is making so much sense it's ridiculous. I am so happy.

***

Little man.

Easter dress and frolicking in the mud. Why not!

Easter egg hunt at Tel and Elizabeth's house.

our neighborhood is underwater!

2011-04-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

(taken from our front door)

(Micah took the rest of these while trying to find a way
to get home to us. He had to park way up on a hill and
jump a fence on the way down.)

(the Johnson Fire Department getting ready to launch a
boat down our street to rescue some people who were
stranded)

(it's not easy to see here, but there's no ground
underneath these railroad tracks)

We're still watching close and hoping the water will stay out of our house!

Night Prayer

2011-04-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

from The New Zealand Book of Common Prayer

Lord,
It is night.

The night is for stillness
Let us be still in the presence of God.

It is night after a long day.
What has been done has been done.
What has not been done has not been done;
let it be.

The night is dark.
Let our fears of the darkness of the world and our own lives
rest in you.

The night is quiet.
Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,
all dear to us,
and all who have no peace.

The night heralds the dawn.
Let us look expectantly to a new day,
new joys,
new possibilities.

In your name we pray.
Amen.

FREEDOM, aka, Everett is weaned.

2011-04-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

This morning the kids and I went to Panera to celebrate Everett being totally weaned. With his sensitive stomach and intestines, I've been watching what I eat for almost a year and a half. I got a frozen mocha and I've had an overwhelming sense of well-being all day. I'm also declaring this the summer of chocolate.

I've been living in survival mode for the past two months, the only benefit being that I've dipped below my pre-pregnancy weight, even pre-college weight, but skinny does not equal happy. Chocolate is happiness. Chocolate and caffeine.

And these people. I've been enjoying them more than ever lately, due to a specific daily prayer request. God was hasty to answer that prayer.

The first of hopefully many sunshiney, smiley, summer pictures.

While we were enjoying our bakery treats and whatnot, Simone was deep in thought about something, then she said, "If no persons liked anybody, that would be sad. (long pause) Thank goodness about love!"

Thank you for this Love, God. I really appreciate it.

Lists

2011-04-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

It struck me this morning how funny all my lists are, and when taken out of context, even funnier.

The one on the left says:
honey badger
whip my hair
beyonce
amazing grace book/movie
hanna

The one next to it says:
peace of Christ
confidence in God
loyalty =affection beyond
from devil, God redeemed
trees of field

The one next to that one is a list of yardage I need to start Everett's quilt. Dorothy did all the calculations for me, if she hadn't I would have ended up with ceramic mug or something instead of a quilt.

The one underneath says:
laundry
organize crafts
organize country life
burn cd's
pictures
sort through clothes for Simone

Today's list includes: enjoy sunshine!

Hope you get all the items crossed off on your lists today!

Hallelujah, New Beginnings

2011-04-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've been taking the Inquirers' Class at our church on Tuesday nights. Even though we've been attending regularly for quite some time, I've been increasingly curious about all of the bowing and genuflecting and crossing, the hierarchical government, and the articles of faith in general. (But beautifully, their focus is not about believing the correct list of things anyway.) Attending the class has proved to be the best decision I've made in a long time. I have to take the kids since Micah works, and it's not even a horrible experience putting them to bed an hour after their normal bedtime by myself.

I want to write about this, but I'm having trouble controlling my excitement about what I'm learning and then turning it into a coherent post. I have butterflies in my stomach after each class. I can liken it to falling in love. Not exactly with the Episcopal Church, but falling in love with God again. Their perspective, their mission, their priorities, have broken open Christianity to me in absolutely life-changing ways.

It's as if I'm seeing someone I've known for a long time, but I've only ever seen in a basement with poor lighting, and now, WOW! It's the first day of spring and I've crawled up from the dankness and the darkness, through all of the cobwebs, and for the first time, I can say, "Oh, so this is who you are! This is what you've been trying to be for me all my life! Welcome!"

I'm taking feverish notes for an hour and a half. I keep thinking of people I wish could sit in on the teachings with me. Most of all my husband. Micah has no idea how this church will fit him like a glove when he can enter back into normal life again. (May 6!!!)

I want everyone I know to come with me on this adventure! I realize though, that just because I feel at home here doesn't mean everyone will. But the questions that have plagued my faith for a long time are getting explained in ways that bring me peace. And when they can't be explained, I am learning to be comfortable with the question itself. This TRUTH is just too big to ever be completely explained by human tongues or understood with human minds.

Tonight during the class, I felt a physical relief come over me as Suzanne spoke. God spoke through her to me directly, I believe, and I can go to bed tonight for the first time in 6 or 7 years with utter heart-rest. My mind and my heart have been reconciled. I didn't make it up and I didn't do it myself. It's so real.

Farewell simplistic theology. Good riddance and goodbye. I will no longer carry your false-guilt, your requirements, your fear-based beliefs, your need to domesticate Jesus and to explain and pin-down the God of the cosmos and of human hearts. I am shedding that identity and slowly and painstakingly rebuilding a new one.

There are a collection of beautiful prayers in the back of The Book of Common Prayer. One for every occasion it seems. This one is simply An Evening Prayer.

Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of our fathers, creator of the changes of day and night, giving rest to the weary, renewing the strength of those who are spent. As you have protected us in the day that is past, so be with us in the coming night; keeping us from every sin, every evil, and every fear; for you are our light and salvation, and the strength of our life. To you be glory for endless ages. Amen.

Lounging

2011-04-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

Everett is a bad sleeper, a bad eater, gets all of his teeth at once, wants to be held 8 of the 10 hours he's awake each day, scratches me and pulls my hair (at the peak of a cuddly moment he acts like he just can't contain all the love and grabs my face violently), brings out the savage beast in Simone, and is generally unpredictable.

But he's soooooooo cute! He cracks me up all the time. In an effort to stop being annoyed with him and remind myself how lovable he is, I thought I'd share some pictures.

He's a lounger. He rolls all over the couch and the floor and our bodies all the time, sucking his thumb.

Little imp.

This is what he did when I told him to smile.

Scary Dreams and Crushes

2011-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

Just now, Simone called from the top of the stairs that she was lonely. I usually don't lay down with her to calm her down, not wanting to start any bad habits, but she seemed particularly needy tonight so I just gave in and lay next to her for a bit.

I must have been tired because all of a sudden I was waking up from a horrible dream. It had only been 10 minutes!

In my dream, every time I tried to look at Simone's face, there was a foggy, black, cloud type thing covering her face, especially her eyes. You know how after you've been outside in the sun and then you come indoors, everything is hard to look at and the colors are dark and weird? That's kind of what it was like.

Anyway, it was awful. There was a very scary feel to the dream.

I've also had a couple shark dreams, lately. I have an almost phobic fear of sharks, so those have been pleasant.

Wonder what it all means. If anything?

On a lighter note, Micah and I exchanged celebrity crushes. It was really fun and interesting! Married people out there should try it, it's fascinating. We're working within the idea that everyone is allowed a celebrity crush, and it's not something to be jealous about - it's something that can help you gain insight into what is attractive to your spouse. Micah said Kat Von D and Cameron Diaz. Ha! Just kidding!

He actually said Marissa Tomei

and Kristen Stewart.

Very Micah-y answers. He also said he just thinks they are attractive, and that's pretty much it.

My answers were slightly more complicated...because I'm a woman? because I'm me? I don't know, they just are.

I said Daniel Day-Lewis

and Jeff Buckley,

but Jeff is dead so that doesn't really count. But I had to say him because I spent about 4 years of my life drawing pictures of him and crying about youth and death. I even tried to contact him on a Ouija board and guess what it said. I am NOT making this up. It said "Jeff doesn't do this kind of thing."

Of course he doesn't. Ghost Jeff is just as cool as real Jeff.

I said DDL because what's primarily attractive to me is talent and confidence. And DDL has pretty much mastered the art of acting, has he not? Mastery is what I likey. And although he's not conventionally handsome, he seems nice and I like his crooked face.

So it's no coincidence that I married MPG because his goal in life, consciously or unconsciously, is to master everything he ever tries, even if it's unclogging the sink drain.

Which is also why he's on anti-anxiety meds and in therapy - but that's another story, folks!

And just for the record, I think it's pretty obvious that Micah is more handsome than either of them.

5 teeth, FIVE, popped through Everett's sad little swollen gums, in one week.

2011-03-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

Thoughts? Concerns? Condolences?

Hitting freaking home

2011-03-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

Father Chuck preached this on Sunday, right after a week of realizing that I might actually have to let God change me. Here's an excerpt:

Nicodemus, darting under the street lights and silhouetted in the moonlight is every one of us living in the ambiguity of wanting to come to Jesus, but not wanting to give up those cherished parts of our lives that feel threatened by the new birth Jesus offers. There is a part of us, maybe it is the major part of us that finds it hard to believe, "Come to me all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). That might be too much grace. There has to be a catch. We do not resonate with that kind of reality. We are more apt to resonate with the reality of the following office memo: "It's your job not to screw up or make any mistakes or drop the ball or blow the game. Get it there faster and quicker and more reliably and more efficiently. Do it right, absolutely flawlessly. Botch this one and you are out of here, history, finished, dead."

Nicodemus is a representative figure, not just of ruling Judaism, but of all achievement, performance driven religious people everywhere who long for rebirth by the Spirit, while at the same time clinging like mad to remain justified by what they do.

Abraham Lincoln once remarked, "I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."

Uh...Random!

2011-03-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

What's a better word for random? I'm starting to hate that word. Here's a disorganized conglomeration of pictures from the week.

I've been praying that Simone would find a sweet little girlfriend who she could play dolls with. Instead, God brought Caleb into her life. He literally appeared out of nowhere. One day he was just there. He's 6, and quite possibly the most charming, obedient, pleasant, and loquacious little boy I've ever met. Simone takes every opportunity she can to hug him, and he giggles and says, "I guess she likes me!" They don't play dolls, but they play with his cars and transformers and remote control cars. Girls who grow up with boys are cooler, anyway ;-)

Ev boy got a buzz. Are you jealous that I get to kiss him and squeeze him whenever I want to?

This is here to prove I'm not vain. No make-up, no shower for at least 2 days, and junky clothes. This is also how I look 90% of the time (two children and a book included.)

My amazing brother Nate came to visit us, too. Nate took Simone on nature walks, Everett cuddle-plunged onto his shoulder whenever he saw an opportunity, and he let me cry a couple times and took me out for coffee. He's da bomb diggity.

That's all for now.

Remembering

2011-03-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling the need to remember who I am and where I came from. Thanks to Micah's amazing dad who bought us a printer/copier/scanner/fax machine, I scanned some pictures by which to remember.

Isn't my mom the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? (the fair one on the left.) Her soul is just as beautiful.

Proof that I actually did play piano.

Climbing trees with my best friend Adrian. She lived two houses down from me. We were inseparable. (10 yrs old, maybe?)

At my grandparent's first house on the lake in Arkansas. Arm wrestling with my Aunt Jodi.

The 8th grade formal. Don't even remember who I went with! Apparently the kid in the middle had four dates?

14 yrs old. Idolized older brother. Blissful life and unaware.

Sweet husband. 8 yrs old. Keep searching for that inner-child, Micah. He's still in there somewhere.

Children are the best medicine.

2011-03-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

In the car today Simone said, "Mama, did you know that angel's sing to me when I'm going to bed? They sing, 'How do you catch a butterfly? You catch the pink one!'"

I've never heard that song in my life, but evidently she has.

She continued jabbering away, saying that when she has bad dreams, the angels tell her that the bad dreams aren't strong, and they blow away in the wind.

The other night at dinner, while everyone was feeling really low and spiritless, she said, "You know what I'm thinkin about? I'm thinkin about kitty cats!"

Thank you, Simone, for pulling me through the scariest and confusingest thing I've ever been through. Caring for you and Everett has kept me happy and sane.

Now I'm off to bed. Trying not to worry about his return, the long road ahead of us, or all the potholes behind us.

I'll try listening for angels singing to me about butterflies and kitty cats!

Blanket of white, 20 inches deep.

2011-02-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard, it snowed a lot today. Every single status on facebook and every blog has said something about it, so here I am telling you, whoever you are, that it did in fact snow 4 inches per hour in AR, beating it's own record. Go Arkansas! You did it! I knew you could!

I don't know why I sound so sarcastic. Sorry.

On another note, I made an apple pie today while holding Everett. Can you imagine the logistics? I know, I'm impressed, too. I had a t-shirt on today while cleaning the bathrooms and I realized it was the first time I had seen my arms since November, and I'm pretty buff. Thanks, Ev!

When Simone looked out the window she said, "That's a sight! An amazing sight!" I don't know where she gets this stuff, I promise I don't talk like that.

Beauty amid the chaos.

2011-02-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

Depicted in this photo, an image from an anonymous source on the ground in Egypt, is a team of Egyptian Christians forming a massive human shield to protect their Muslim countrymen as they prayed during the violent protests yesterday. Beauty amid the chaos.

from Good magazine.

Awesome IV

2011-02-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

CLICK HERE, FOR SHIZZLE

Might be the best website since, let's say, sliced bread.

Can't handle all the awesomeness? I know, I hardly can either.

Awesome III

2011-02-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

And this is why Radiohead is still awesome and will never not be awesome. This is from their new Live DVD from Prague, all video footage from fans in the audience. Such a creative idea, but they're Radiohead, soooo... If you watch the whole thing, which you SHOULD, the first minute is screaming fans, but this version is supreme and will make you dance.

Awesome II

2011-02-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Just watch the whole thing, please? The kids are so into it. I Smiled the whole time.

Awesome

2011-02-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is heartwarming and inspirational. Makes me want to do more with my life, like teach music to inner city kids. Or watch videos of people doing something great with their lives like teach music to inner city kids.

Sweet friend.

2011-01-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

This weekend, Holly's daughter Kylee stayed with us. It made me realize that I adore 11-yr-olds - they're still kids, they still have that wonder of childhood in them - but they are old enough to talk through things with you and stay up and watch movies or read until 10:00.

It could be that she is an especially sweet one, though. She was so attentive with Simone. They played and played and played and played and played. Simone couldn't stop hugging and kissing her.

When she left, Simone was grief stricken. I asked what we could do to make her happy, and she said, "I just want Kylee. Kylee will make me happy!"

I have to admit it too, that when she left I was kind of like, "Wow, what did we ever do with ourselves without her?!"

To take Kylee off her mind, I made some paint that Dorothy talked about, and it did the trick, distracting her from her grief. But not without an update from Simone about her emotional well-being. She said, "Oh Mama, when my eyes started looking at this paint I thought, 'I miss Kylee, I still miss her, but there's allllllway's paint."

Nicer things Simone says.

2011-01-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

Listening to Everett cry in his crib she said under her breath while looking at a book, "Go to sleep, man."

I hate when Everett pushes down the dvd's off the shelf, so when I heard what sounded like dvd's falling to the floor (it wasn't), I ran into the TV room to stop him and Simone said, "He's just playing with his toys, Mama. Relax."

Simone came downstairs bleary-eyed one morning clutching her sippy cup. Everett greeted her and also promptly batted at the cup in her hands. She let him have it to play with and she said, "At first I didn't want him to have my cup, then I thought, I want to treat Everett well! So I let him have my cup!"

On the way to church she said, "Mama, I want you to tell me a story, but I after we go to church then come back home, like right before my nap, I will ask you to tell me a story, because right now you are concentrating on driving."

Simone: Where's Peter Rab? I want to sleep with him tonight.
Me: Peter Rabbit?
Simone: Yeah, Peter Rabbit, but I call him Peter Rab for short. Where is he?

And I ask no man on earth to fill my needs

2011-01-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

Though at times I feel helpless and on my own (Who doesn't. Life is hard.), and especially after three emotional days with Simone, I am finally hearing His voice again. Sensing His presence. His help. A knowing smile and a warm hand on my shoulder. No answers today, just some homemade soup from my mom and dad who stopped by, a too-adult conversation with my little adult, and three words in my head.

I was nursing Everett, about to put him down for the night, and I saw this: Rest. Hear. Here. I know it was from God, because something came over me that has only come over me 3 other times in my life, and those messages were from God. I can't describe it any other way than time stands still, and something breaks through.

I'm still trying to figure out what the words mean. Why couldn't my message have said specifically what to do when Simone says to me, "I don't want to see your face, Mama!" after she gets upset about something. She also says to me, when I'm speaking sternly to her, "I don't want to hear your noise!" and she puts her hand over my mouth. She also says, "I can't be here anymore, stop talking to me, I'm tired of all your talking!"

Tonight, after yet another emotional outburst from her, instead of a useless spanking or time-out, I told her it breaks my heart when she talks to me that way. That this family won't work unless she understands that I know what's best for her. That's the gist of it, though we talked for ten minutes. She crawled into my arms, then said, "Wait...," and when she got up I knew she was getting me a tissue, because that's what she likes to have in her hands when she's crying.

After being quiet for a while, she looked up at me and said, "Let's play the Mr. Magregert game." (The Mr. McGregor game is when someone pretends to be Peter Rabbit and someone else pretends to be Mr. McGregor, and Peter Rabbit is caught stealing lettuce and is chased by Mr. McGregor.)

The juxtaposition was humorous. I can talk to her about changing her heart and her attitude, about obedience and kindness, and then she can shift into imaginary games so easily. She's still 3.

Back to the words I saw. Since I'm still thinking about what God actually meant by them, the first concrete thought I had was, "He knows what I need to learn. He knows what I need more than I know." Because if you ask me what I need, I would say a grande coffee, a church softball league, and a weekend far far far away from anyone under 20. Or just far far far away from anyone. Nooooooo, I'm extroverted just enough that that doesn't sound completely awesome.

Anyway, my point is that even if I know what I needed, I wouldn't really know how to go about fulfilling that need. My default is always Micah - he's either the solution to all my problems or the cause of them. I'm sorry, Micah! If you're reading this now, I love you!

I think my most fundamental need, and I think lots of people feel this way, is completion. To feel complete and whole so deeply that nothing can touch that wholeness. No opinions, no lies, no evil, no fear or concern. And maybe that is realizing that I am nothing, and let God be who He is, which is all. Because I am so messed up, irreparably, except for the fact that I know God hasn't given up on me.

Today is the First Sunday After Epiphany. I know this because I go to an Episcopal church. We read today how John baptized Jesus, and then essentially he begins his three year ministry right after this. His baptism was the beginning of a long road and lots of hard work. He had a lot to do in three years, set the world on fire with God's love!

I feel like I have a lot of work ahead of me, too. Work in my heart - stubborn and fearful and cold little heart. God, make me blazing, and glowing, and radiant! What do I need? I don't know. You know! Make it happen.

At least I know where to start. Rest. It sounds so easy.

Combined Early Birthday Parties!

2011-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

I wanted only one picture on this post: Everett with a cupcake. And I always say I'm not going to post a million pictures, because honestly, who the heck cares or looks, but this is my blog and I can do what I want. I hope I kept the pictures to only ten. How it went from one to ten I don't know. Whatever.

Anyway.

Micah's birthday is January 2, Everett's is the 3rd, and Clara's is the 4th. And we were actually all together to celebrate their lives! I hope this year started a tradition. It was preeeeetty fun.

Micah - 26. Feeling silly about blowing out 1 candle on a confetti cupcake, Micah? It's cool though, you're secure in your masculine 26-ness.

Clara - 5. She's so easy to love...and pretty excited about the gummy bears on her cupcake.

Everett - 1. I want to go to bed! Take this frickin hat off me!

The best part of the whole night was Everett demolishing his cupcake within 3 seconds. I despise food messes. I don't think it's cute or funny, I think it's gross - so I was just going to put a cupcake in front of him for a photo op, and before I could take the pic he had completely pulverized the thing. And it was both cute and funny, so what do I know. My dad said whenever he woke up that night he kept chuckling about it to himself. Everett's face was so dispassionate about the demo. However, his hands were saying, "I've been wanting to do this for 12 months, suckas!"

I want to do a flip book with these.

Squeaky clean...er...floating in cupcake chunks and icing.

Okay, seriously. Put me to bed now.

***

Micah is getting an early graduation present (because he needs it now for a project). A new cordless compact drill, or something like that. Home Depot used to be my least favorite store on earth, but no longer. Look at these cuties!

And look at my happy 1 yr old. You made it, bud!

Now is the time

2010-12-29T20:11:00.000-08:00

I can't bring myself to go to bed. If I were smart I would have gone to bed an hour ago because our lovely male offspring gets jittery and weird whenever he does anything that resembles rest or sleep or lying down.

But I have a good feeling about tonight. Don't know why, just do.

This is not gonna be about how we never sleep. Except this, which is an interlude to the rest of the post: I can safely say that I have spent every minute of the last 354 days in a fog. Sometimes a really low, thick one - and sometimes in a lifting one. But my head has been swimming for a year.

But then read this. "Now is the day of salvation. Now is the time to receive my favor." 2 Corinthians 6:2

A promise from God Himself to me, I think.

I'm done kidding myself in thinking that happiness comes when circumstances change. I had contentment issues even before Everett came. I'm done with circumstantial happiness.

I want to be happy, joyful, content, complete, satisfied even when the world is closing in on me. Even when no one understands me and I'm misunderstood or I want to sit and look out the window at the birds but there are two kids climbing on me or when I take things too personally or when there's no end in sight to Ev's sleep problems or when paramedic school is stealing my husband.

This year has changed me. Everett has changed me. Intensely. Extremely. Permanently.

Thank you, son.

Receive your salvation! Receive My favor!

Thank you, Jesus.

Jesus - who understands me, even though I don't understand him. Jesus - the One who has mercifully filled my heart to breaking. And is very slowly piecing me back together. Stronger and more complete.

Christmas and some handsome devils.

2010-12-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

*updated pictures, thanks Jamin!

Christmas was in St. Louis this year with Micah's family. It was so fun. The kids were demanding for a change (ha!) so we only took like three pictures.

An apron I made her which I should have measured. Oh well!

The newlyweds.

A cat book! Someone knows her.

Thank you for a beautiful Christmas, Gray's! You blessed us in so many ways.

***

And when we got home, Micah was sick of his moppy hair and I was sick of Everett's once-curly-and-beautiful but now moppy hair, so this is what happened! (FYI, Ev has bed head, we didn't butcher it that badly!)

Give yourself this Christmas gift.

2010-12-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

This book has gotten me through this month. I finished it a couple days ago and cried when it was over. I loved it so much, I'm having trouble finding the words to describe why it meant so much to me.

It is about Agassi's nonstop quest for truth. His nonstop quest to find out who he is - his true identity. It was so ugly at times, so heartbreaking, so triumphant, so human. Micah took it to work today after I pretty much implored him to, or else I might spend the next couple paragraphs pulling quote after quote from the book. Because also, it is so beautifully written.

If you don't like tennis, or aren't interested in tennis, don't let that stop you from reading this book. You'd be robbing yourself of one of the best reading experiences of your life.

I can't help but be so extreme in recommending this book - it MOVED me.

Read it.

Instead of quoting from the book, I'll quote from Lowell's sermon this morning which I think relates perfectly to a main theme of the book:

"Sometimes when we have our illusions punctured, we can appreciate what is really there. Sometimes when we have our egos deflated, we discover gifts that were hidden from us. Sometimes when we surrender what ought to be, we can actually see and appreciate what is – the grace at work around us.

Sometimes dreams get broken. What we had dreamed for is taken from us. Sometimes dreams get broken, only to be re-dreamt.

Look. God is with us. Emmanuel."

Complaining, so don't read this if you don't want to hear it.

2010-12-17T05:21:00.000-08:00

Everett's third ear infection in less than two months. Third round of antibiotics. And then I got mastitis, which is directly linked to the last three ear infections. You get mastitis when you are under "extreme stress and extreme fatigue." And Micah had his do or die testing in paramedic school while all of this was going down. If he failed (as if that was a real possibility) he'd be out of medic school. Obviously he passed, but his nerves are shot.

And I've been shuffling around like a zombie, freezing cold even with layers of clothes on. Out of breath just walking to the next room, and basically feeling like I've been hit by a train. I'm hell bent on kicking this thing without antibiotics, and thanks to Holly and her essential oils, I think I might have a chance.

Micah has been so strong. Staying up with Everett for 3-4 hrs each night so that I could rest and get better. And taking care of other household duties which are usually mine.

And my parents have been kind enough to take Simone for two nights. It's been a life-saver, but I miss her like the dickens.

Well, Everett is crying in his crib. Better go hold him for a bit. The blind leading the blind. The sick caring for the sick!

Mama's Boy

2010-12-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

Everett's first birthday is rapidly approaching. It's hard to believe we made it. There were multiple times during his first year where I thought we were going to die. But we didn't, and he didn't.

There were many mornings we would get out of bed after only 2-3 hrs of sleep and still he'd get a smile out of me with his goofy grin and winsome personality. It is one of the funnest things about being a parent, watching him grow into that.

January 3rd will mark the end of the hardest year of my life. Without a shadow of a doubt. But I'm only 25, and there are bound to be harder years yet to come. Like when Everett tries to get married. My prediction is that will not go well. I'm ok with Simone getting married one day, but for some reason the thought of Everett getting married awakens the sleeping lioness within me. He's my little boy and he strokes my hair for comfort.

My favorite description of him is "tear-jerkingly cute." I couldn't agree more, Nate.

This is 5:30 am, the first morning he woke up after his ear infection and didn't want to be held from beginning to end.

And this is just, yeah. My little Everett Boy.

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

2010-12-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

November and December have SUCKED!
I might be totally losing it, or finding it. I'm in love with honesty.
This is supposedly my favorite season and favorite holiday, but I am spiritually tired. I'm not ready for Jesus to be born yet. I'm not ready to engage with that mystery. That's my word for this holiday, Mystery. This winter. This year. This life?

I am, however, ready for Everett to be back. He has been busy with ear infections, then scary high fevers, then roseola virus rashes, then a tooth snuck in there somewhere, then another ear infection. We've been getting lots of sleep around here, let me tell you. And I've only seen his hippo smile about 4 times this whole week. 'Sad' does not even begin to cover that gaping hole in my life.

Everett has taken to clutching a bundle of my hair for comfort. His eyes are closed when his little right hand reaches for it, and he just hangs there, clutching. When Micah holds him, I see his fingers reach, and when there's nothing to grab onto, his head snaps up and he looks around like, "Where is she??" I have to say, even though I don't like babies, I like how babies like their mothers.

And yesterday I met with Lowell, which felt like the culmination of a month-long crying jag. This morning I must have been concentrating on something hard that made me look intense because Simone asked, "Mama, are you gonna cry now?" Perhaps she's seen me do some of that lately? Nah......

Hail and thunder and lighting, and then you wake up in the morning and it's all quiet again, but tree limbs are down and the sky is still a little black. That's how it was talking to Lowell. I had been through the storm, and then walking into his office was like waking up in peace again. Something terrifying had happened, and I had survived it, and he was there to hear me and tell me to embrace it, don't try to run back in time before the storm started.

There's really no going back.

I used the words grief and loss and broken. He used the words perseverance and growth and oneness.

Somehow, even though I was crying through most of what I explained to him, he made sense of it and I left the meeting feeling calm. The tempest had finally stopped.

It's not over over. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm excited about it. Truly excited about the cobwebs I need to clear out and rearranging I need to do in this new house. This new soul that is finally unblocked, unclogged, un-anxious, un-sad...almost.

If this is cryptic, I don't really mean it to be. In a sense, I wanted to be left alone where I was spiritually comfortable, but that place became more and more cramped and miserable. Something that once nourished me no longer nourished me, and I had to stare that in the face. The death of that has been a grieving process, but what I feel now is an invitation, a beckoning to greater depth, to greater intimacy.

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.
What a time they have, these two
housed as they are in the same body.

-"We Shake with Joy" by Mary Oliver

Finally finished, whoo.

2010-12-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

I stole every moment I could to make this tent for the kids. At first I had a vision of a teepee in their room, then Dorothy sent me this link which seemed a little easier to make. Seemed that is. Let's just say my strong suit is not precise measurements. Let's also say the my husband is a slight perfectionist. So what if it doesn't hang straight? Simone doesn't care!

ANYWAY...after a good night sleep, I was ready to make a few adjustments and I'm glad I did, because it looks a ton better than it originally did. I call it The Micah Touch. Most things in life would benefit from this.

Also, we did all of this while Everett was running a 104 fever for three days.
And now, I think we've had quite enough of this nonsense. I'm ready to put the sewing machine up for a bit and for my sicky boy to be happy again.

Simone is happy. "Frrr srrre." (That's Simone saying "for sure" without any vowels.)

Old music turned new again.

2010-12-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

Between the time my brother Michael left Germany, stopped in Arkansas, and headed to South Korea, he had to slim down his belongings in order to keep overseas luggage to an affordable minimum.

One of the things he had to leave behind was his hefty cd collection. Sad for him, but good for me. Looking through this treasure chest was unimaginably fun.

I found a ton of cd's from my childhood. Music I hadn't listened to since those countless days spent in our basement in Toledo - Tetris, ping-pong, pool, and always music.

My brothers were either ridiculously nice to me by letting me spend hours and hours downstairs with them and their friends, or they just forgot I was there. I learned how to keep quiet. I also made them eggs and sandwiches and chips and salsa and brought it down to them. To this day, the smell of Pace salsa takes me back to our Toledo basement.

The most exciting find was The Unforgettable Fire by U2. This is when U2 knew what the heck they were about. This is when they were masters of their craft.

And the name, Unforgettable Fire. Now that's an album title. Every album title I see these days is completely generic and meaningless. "This Time Around." "Get Closer." "A Little Bit Longer." What does that even mean? They are lazy and I hate those mid-thought, ellipsis type titles.

The Unforgettable Fire. It actually means something.

I'm about to go clean Holly's house and I'm really really excited about bringing my headphones this time.

The girl who made me a mother is three!

2010-11-29T05:20:00.000-08:00

Micah had his homeward stretch this past week - 4 days of working straight, 1 day off, then 4 more days...and he's finally finished with clinicals!!!!! You rock, Micah!!!!

My parents put the kids to bed while we went out on a date to celebrate. They even gave us Copeland's gift card that was rightfully theirs. It felt like we were teenagers again! We sat in a dimly lit booth together, unaware of anyone else in the restaurant.

Also, Simone girl is three. She even looked different and older yesterday. She had three presents to open, and with each surprise in the box, she carefully inspected and appreciated the contents. She didn't toss one aside only to tear open the next one. What a beauty.

Here're some pictures from the week we spent at Grandma and Grandpa's. They saved us from 8 days of despair and loneliness!

They're enamored.

homemade play-doh!

Birthday breakfast with Grandpa.

Dance like Everett!

2010-11-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

Hard day ends like this. They are the source of my stress and the source of my joy!

Blue

2010-11-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

After I sign out of my Yahoo mail there are always articles to browse through and today there was one about what your favorite color says about you. And since Simone talks about how blue is her favorite color at least 10 times a day, I thought I'd take a gander and see what this blue obsession says about the little girl.

(This description is actually spot on, and probably a window into issues she'll have as an adult!)

What it represents: Blue is a color of clarity, communications and charm. And regardless of the shade, this hue says: “I like to be understood.” On the downside, under stress, a “blue” person can send mixed messages, have trouble making up their mind, or just space out during conversations.

Understanding people who love it: If blue is your favorite color, you never run out of anything to say — expression is your strong suit. And if you’re dating a “blue” person? The same holds true; you should always know where you stand.

Bread and Butter

2010-11-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

Lately I have felt like a stale piece of bread. If I went into it all, it would be a long post that probably only my mom would read to the end, so I won't. I'm struggling with my faith, I guess. Feeling distant from God. It's not like I'm about to throw it all out, I'm just trying to figure it all out. And when there's churning, it usually means you get butter at the end, right?

This is an excerpt from Lowell's Morning Reflections. This has happened before, that his reflections or his sermons seem like he wrote them specifically for me.

"We so often overwhelm ourselves with our judgments -- we let our expectations create frustration and even anger that only amplifies the challenge. Regardless of how low we may feel we sink, God always welcomes us home. The only way we can truly become exiled is through self-exile. Life is not about merit, but grace. How can we love more, accept more, trust more -- so we can keep heart and constantly seek our own good and the good of others?".......

"For us, today is another day. It may be a good day; it may be a bad day. Don't worry. Things will get better; things will get worse. Endure with humility and perseverance. Do good. Accept. Trust. Our heart is secure and safe within the sanctuary of God's heart."

"I'm a gyps-pee!"

2010-11-04T07:18:00.000-07:00

Simone's music class.