Abundance

Micah is sick. Poor guy can't get a break. Tonight he's at the busiest station in the city, so if you're reading this before tomorrow morning, say a little prayer that he gets some sleep. Like...the whole night.

We crashed a deer on the way to Alabama. And it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. Not the actual impact, but the minutes after the fact where we looked at each other like Oh my dear God...what do we do? The sun was setting, we had NO IDEA where we were, and the front end of our car looked like we crashed into a deer. (I may or may not post a picture. It's just so depressing.)

I could make this into a verrrrrrry long story.

But there are a few bottom lines:
1.) we are alive.
2.) we had a heavenly weekend despite. (Nate was THE best person to get into a car with after all the scariness. We felt like crying but he's so goshdarn joyful all the time it was impossible to feel bad.)
3.) the deer collided with every essential part that makes a car run (except for my essentials like Simonegirl and Micah) so we are driving Nate and Christie's Saturn until we can find a new car.
4.) lastly, our delightful little cushion we've worked so hard to save was apparently being saved so we could buy a car.

I named this post "abundance" because after this deer situation, I realized a few things. I think Nate and Christie would literally do anything for us. And I think that's safe to say for all the family.

I'm truly okay as long as my two people are okay - even if we killed a deer and have no car and are stranded in the dark on a highway in Alabama.

I've always felt about 12 years old, but I kind of feel like I'm tip-toeing slowly toward adulthood. I felt pretty composed during it all. The only time my voice broke was when I was leaving a message on my dad's cell phone.

On the way home, Simone fell asleep and peed her pants. Normally this would have upset me, but it seemed like small potatoes.

This is a season of abundance. Thanksgiving is in two weeks, Simone will be 2 in two weeks. It feels like the crash dislodged some areas of my heart and I feel totally ready to make room for whatever God wants to refill it with.

these are a few of my favorite things

Seasonal book displays in the children's section of Barnes and Noble.

Driving on Hwy. 12 by myself to see my grandma. (the trees are thrilling)

We're visiting Nate and Christie next week!!!!!!!

Simone is extremely sensitive and every so often makes sure we're doing okay. "You happy, mama? You happy, dada? Mone happy, too." (she calls herself Mone.)

This 80's song. (not crazy about the video, just the song. but Chrissie Hynde kind of looks cool no matter what.)

Simone says "On top of old cokey " instead of "old smokey."

Simone makes me sing "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables before bed at night. She wants me to do it exactly how Colm Wilkinson does it on YouTube which is really embarrassing and I don't do it when Micah is around.

Adding another member to this family. Thinking about what kind of family we want to be.

Simone can count on her fingers. She says, "Watch me now."

Micah Peter.

A couple weeks ago Simone realized that she didn't have to wait for us to get her out of bed in the morning, she could do it herself. So we've been waking up to a really croaky voice at our bedside, "Hi MamaDada."

St. Paul's. Specifically Lowell and Suzanne. Specifically the women's group. It's a rag tag bunch but I like that.

Holiday cut-out cookies. Ones that are actually edible like mine weren't last year.

***

Sometimes it's easy to wonder about God. It's easy to doubt and it's easy to believe He's not involved at all. Micah has had some horrible, horrible stories lately from work, and I have to admit my heart went there.

Maybe that's why I felt a compulsion to make this list. To remember good things. It's easy to let your mind be filled with darkness because truthfully, there's so much of it.

I just realized Simone kind of dominates this list. Probably because a.) I adore her, and b.) she's so innocent. She's such a promising beginning. She is tangible hope. How can I feel dark about things when she smells so good after a bath, or when she climbs up the slide at the park and looks behind her to make sure I'm watching.

God is renewing the world. He is reconciling the world to Himself. Children are a reminder of that. Cookies and husbands and families are a reminder of that.

It takes strength to hope, and I think when we make the conscious effort, when we resist the urge to doubt and despair, there's a victory for the good guys. Maybe it even hastens the day He redeems us all and calls us by name! Hallelujah!

Simone as a Cat; and Embracing the Big

Today for Simone's music class, all the kids dressed up in their Halloween costumes. Compared to the other costumes, it was obvious I spent about $2 and 5 min. on hers. Except halfway through the class, all the other kids were begging to take their fairy wings and lion's manes off. Simone kept her ears on the whole time :-)

This photo doesn't capture it, but she was really stoked about being a kitty.



***

The saddest part about crossing the "big" threshold is that it's hard for Simone to sit on my lap!



It's hard to believe I have 8 more weeks of growing to do - I feel stretched to maximum capacity as it is. This little person keeps moving like crazy - hopefully he/she is getting antsy and comes early so our deductible doesn't start over and we get the tax break! Oh money makes the world go round. *shudder*

Simone the First Responder...?

I wouldn't really wish the EMS life on anyone...well let me rephrase...I wouldn't wish the CENTRAL EMS of Fayetteville life on anyone...most of all my daughter, but one morning when Micah brought in his scanner, Simone insisted on wearing it.


I think she would make a pretty cute first responder.



Cute, yeah. But lacking slightly in competence...

Identity

My struggle as of late is that too much of my identity is wrapped up in whether or not people like me. Especially Micah and Simone.

Of course, they both always adore me because I'm a perfect wife and mama, but you know, little insecurities crop up and I find that my entire self-esteem and happiness rests in their appreciation, affection, words, and actions toward me.

That is too big a burden for them.

Our priest's morning reflection was about Paul. He says, "He trusted Christ so much, that he could let go of everything...Nothing could really threaten him. Not animals in an amphitheater, not a storm at sea capsizing his ship, not church fights that threaten to split the congregation he had founded. He was able to let go of his attachment to all of that, trusting in Christ's power of resurrection to bring about new life regardless of what the circumstances might be. He was bulletproof. Not a bad way to live."

I think it's possible to live this way. Clinging to nothing other than Christ's opinion of me.

I am His child. He made my soul and He loves my soul.

Simone is His daughter, anyway. He's letting me have her while we're on this earth, but ultimately, she is His. Not mine, really.

Same with Micah. God gave him to me for a while, and I'll love him the best I can while we're on earth, but he is God's, not mine.

Acknowledging that takes off a tremendous pressure. I can screw up and they will be okay. I can screw up, they can dislike me, and I will be okay because I am God's child, too.

No anxiety. Only trust.

Growing Up

The last few days I haven't known what to do with Simone. She's way more defiant than she's ever been in her life, and extremely emotional. If we're not doing her favorite things (reading a book or playing with dolls or on our way to the park) the slightest thing will tip her scale and she'll throw her head back and say "No!" and start crying.

I guess that's typical two-year-old behavior, but jeesh, it's exhausting. And really hard to know what to do. She likes her time outs because she sings to herself. And if I say that I'm going to spank her hand if she doesn't do what I ask her to, she holds out her hand for me to spank. I'll spank it and she'll look down at her hand and say, almost in observation, "Ouch, Mama."

All that to say, sweet Simone is becoming a real person and it's a little terrifying. I feel like I could easily lose control if I'm not surrendering to the true Mother daily.

This morning I did. Very deliberately asking how we should spend this day together. And I think the answer came in accidentally ordering caffeinated tea at Atlanta Bread Co. I ordered raspberry thinking it would be herbal, but when I got it, the bag said black tea with raspberry flavor. I had so much energy for Simone, and Simone was in such a pleasant mood all day! No meltdowns. And when I spotted one coming, I felt cool as a cucumber and they never escalated.

Go me! (and thanks, God.)

Then we made muffins and played outside for forever. Fresh air covers a multitude.



**

Also, I wanted to write about how this child in my belly is insane. I feel him all the time - way more than I did with Simone. Lots of things lead me to believe it is a boy (that's even the Dr.'s guess, based on the heartbeat). My mother-in-law thinks it's a boy, too. But my mom thinks it's a girl. It's fun to speculate

I was telling all of this to Micah, and I asked him what he thought it was. He looked at me blankly. So I said, "Well, what is your inner voice telling you?" He said, "My inner voice is telling me there's a 50/50% chance of it being a boy or a girl."

I thought that was hilarious. Typical male response.

Anyway, gotta go iron some maternity clothes Christie sent me before it gets too late!

Holiday Merrymaking

Painting pumpkins at the co-op with Liam was a nice way to kick off autumn. That, and spontaneously heading to a pumpkin patch in Pea Ridge with Grandma. My mom still uses a disposable camera, so no pictures to upload from that trip. But it was loads of fun (despite the allergies...)


This was a pumpkin painting contest. I'm pretty sure either Simone or Liam will win. Even though Simone isn't even actually decorating the pumpkin...



See what promising little artists they are? Haha.



And today began the holiday baking! Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies. You can't tell from the pictures, but there's basically equal parts dough and chocolate. Anyone want a cookie??

No I'm off to the station to deliver some to Micah!